Rockwood Cinema Review: Satan’s Blade

Gather your best buds and some drink as we watch the ski-cabin slasher horror film, Satan’s Blade (1984)

Looking to get away from it all this winter and hit the slopes? Well, whether you are a young couple hoping to reconnect, a group of bachelorettes looking to party or maybe you just robbed a bank and are are looking for a place to stash the loot and hide out. Well, before Airbnb there was Satan’s Blade (1984). Fishing, skiing, hijinks, hangovers and nightmares about a killer “giant” all inclusive. That’s right this giant, although a little short in stature, roams the hills killing people because he didn’t like humans encroaching on his land. Kind of like how you visitors are doing now (oh well!). Oh, he also poses a evil knife, now that’s really evil.

Satan would be pleased with how deceptive this cover is, but would be really sad that his name is attached to something so terrible.

Learning this however, the vacationers of Satan’s Blade don’t seem all that concerned. Nor are they concerned a murder took place in their room last night, but then again neither are the police. However, appearances are not always as they seem. Just as the cover (above) is kind of misleading in its grandiosity, the characters learn that their idyllic getaway is not so fun packed like freshly packed snow of its ski hills.

First off all this evil giant appears in one of the young girl’s dreams and turns out to be not so giant and not so terrifying as terrifyingly bad. So bad in fact, the decision to keep him off-screen for the duration of the film seems like a good idea. That being said they should also learn to keep the boom microphones off-screen. Also, the “blade” which the title refers to is a little more than insignificant looking. This is not some ancient weapon forged by Satan in hell fire, but maybe made by Stan at some factory before lunch (Stan’s Lunch).

Don’t forget to turn out the lights… or not. You may fall asleep watching this.

The movie is your typical slasher film. A little heavy on the misogyny by today’s standards with a lot of scantly-clad women (especially for a winter cabin). Although, it can be said that women and men get killed, its just not in the same way. It lacks very little in the imagination department, the acting department, the prop department and the budget department.

Do people go skiing in overalls?

That being said as someone who can enjoy terrible movies this is a pretty fine specimen. This movie looks like it was made in the wrong decade in the 70s instead of the 80s. This is probably due to the equipment they were using from a bygone era. However, for all it can be faulted, the ending was admittedly a surprising twist with some chuckles over the voice effects and performance.

The whole movie is here for your viewing pleasure or displeasure…whatever.

Review

Loon logo for ratingHalf a loon for grading / 5

Length: 1h 24m
Rated: Not Rated (Violence, Nudity, Mature Themes…if you can call it mature)
Best time to watch: I would recommend watching this during the day. It is rather slow paced and although it is a horror movie, the terrible dialogue and acting deserves your daytime alertness in order to make fun of it. Otherwise, I could see a whole group passing out to this after midnight.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s